I woke up disoriented. Why am I sleeping in a cabin, between a nude Lucy and a still clothed Edith.

I sort of remember, but it's fuzzy as I try to piece back the events from the previous night.

It's still dark, and I notice that Lucy is awake, still with tears in her eyes. I use my finger to gently wipe away one. She smiles at me.

She gently gets away from the bed, and finds a large comforter from the second one. I look, and Edith is asleep. My clothes are at Mindy's and I suspect that Lucy's are at her parent's cabin. It's probably cold outside.

She motions me to follow her, so I do. Of course, I do.

We get out, and it is indeed freaking cold. We get to a picnic table, and she puts the comforter on it, and then sits so that she wraps it around herself.

Good, she will be warm, but what about me?

But she opens, and motions me to get close.

I don't need to be asked twice, and I sit next to her, after which she wraps us in it. And I when I say wraps us, both of us are completely engulfed in the comforter. Our feet, but also our head.

I can't see her, but I can feel her warm body next to mind, side by side.

"Are you okay?", I ask her.

"How are you so stable, Ji. I mean, what's your secret. You seem so, well, together"

I laugh. "You should have seen me 3 months ago"

"No, I am serious, it's not 3 months of learning that can do that. You have a calm, a peace, a quiet inside of you that I envy"

I am taken by surprise, I envied how she has her own life apparently figured out.

"Like you"

She scoffs.

"I know how you look at me. I know that, Ji. I know what Mindy thinks of me, but I am a fraud"

"You are not"

"Oh yeah. I am. I know nothing, Ji. Nothing. I am paralyzed by anxiety, that's why I look so cool, it's not that I don't care, it's that I am scared shitless."

"And yet, you can invite people to skinny-dip at your house and remain nude longer than anyone"

"Please, Ji, that's a joke. I undress as soon as I can because I fear I won't because I worry I wear too much pink, or not enough. And I don't get dressed because I fear they will question my commitment to naturism or that I am a chicken or something"

"You are the captain of the math competition thing"

"Please, the real reason I am the captain of the Math Olympiads is that the other captain candidates all get bullied and no one will dare bully the hot chick who gets naked at parties."

"Is that why you were crying last night and this morning?"

"Yes, no. It's... Why are you so calm, Ji, when I am always boiling with anxiety?"

I think.

"I was boiling with anger, and it was caused by too much testosterone compared to my estrogen. For you, it might not be your fault"

"Of course it's not my fault. My brain is wired for anxiety. Fuck. I am breaking the illusion I tried to project onto you for the past few months."

"Lucy, listen to me"

"You can't talk to me like that, you are 12"

"And wise, according to you"

"Fine, what nugget of 12-year-old pop psychology will you give me?"

"I'll note that as an anxiety protection mechanism, not as an attack on me"

"Sorry, you are right. It's not fair, you are wise"

"Good. Thank you, I wasn't sure. I'll let you know that I am faking as much as you or our parents"

She scoffs. "They have decades of experience faking it. We are amateurs"

"They do. Maybe I am wiser just because I don't know how to fake it much yet"

"Maybe"

"But my point is, this morning Lucy, you became something more powerful than a hero, or a role-model"

She scoffs again.

"What could be more powerful than that?"

"A human. Someone real. Now, Lucy, you are my friend, not a mentor. Starting now, our friendship can begin in honesty, not just as you trying to, I don't know, inspire tweens?"

She turned and hugged me, which let some cold air get in.

"This wasn't 12 years old pop psychology", she said

"And it wasn't 100% original. I realized that of my parents months ago. That they were more than parents, they were human. Now, you are too. With your flaws, and your weaknesses"

"Can we keep this between us?"

"Sure, Edith and Mindy don't need to know this"

"Clark can't either"

"He should. He is your boyfriend"

"You know nothing about relationships"

"No, but I know they should be based on trust, and truth. And yesterday, you went heavy on him. He must be scared of losing you"

She sighs.

"You are wise", she said.

But the reality is that most of my comments felt obvious and simple, like a repetition of what I went through. People are people, we are more alike than different.

We stayed next to each other, she mentioned a few other anxiety issues, but she was calm and stopped crying. I gave her a few of my own anxiety moments, but they are pale compared to hers.

We are interrupted by Edith, who was using the comforter we had as a sort of makeshift bathrobe.

"So there you are, I woke up alone"

"We couldn't go far, it's cold this morning", says Lucy.

"This was stupid, you should have brought your clothes and me my coat, we knew it was cold"

"Do you think you can make it to your parent's trailer? My cabin is on the opposite side and I would like to get dressed, but if I drop you off, I'll freeze to death. I agreed to wear light clothes for the fire but now, I want my jacket"

"It's fine Lucy, and I want clothes too", I said.

"I hate the cold", says Lucy.

"I liked your outfit yesterday"

I couldn't see her, but I could almost feel her smile.

I ended up jumping in Edith's makeshift bathrobe so that we could split in two directions, Edith and me to the trailer, and Lucy to her parent's cabin.

My parents were sleeping, so we made as little noise as possible, but of course, we woke up my mother, who was wearing a pajama.

She saluted us after peaking through the divider for their bedroom, and pointed to a $20 bill on the kitchen counter.

After I dressed up, and Edith put more clothes on, we went to the dinner and found Lucy and Clark, both fully dressed up with jackets on.

We all ordered, but Lucy asked if she could have some moment with her boyfriend. That she needed to be honest about last night. I agreed, and to my surprise, they left. But she asked me if she could leave me with my half-sister.

I would have said that being there for others is a rule of cool, but like, was this anxiety speaking? That she was anxious about leaving us alone?

Were my rules of cool a fraud? Surely not. Lucy was still cool, maybe if the reason isn't because she is confident, but rather, because of her anxiety.

Right, I have to confess something now.

When I was writing about how confident she was, I knew, of course, how it was a projection. How it wasn't from a place of being cool, but from anxiety about... her anxiety. Yet, Julie at age 12 didn't know that.

I did call Lucy later that week, and to my surprise, she was happy to hear from me. She told me that Clark took the news a lot better than she thought. He said that it explained plenty of things, but she didn't elaborate on what.

"And Ji? Don't lose contact, ok? I'll try to call you, but remember, until we are 18, it's weirder for me to call you than it is for you to call me"

"Is that a fact, or your anxiety talking?", I told her.

Fine, not that well, but you know, I am unreliable.

"Good point. I don't know. But do call"

And I did. I won't tell you when I do because it's not like we hung out much that winter. Lucy, Clark and their families see no point in the non-landed club. I did invite them, but they like naturism outside, mainly.

Edith and I ate breakfast. I overestimated my appetite, and she underestimated hers, but I allowed her to finish my plate.

Edith didn't comment on Lucy, other than to say that she never thought she would have a sleepover with a girl she helped put painting on.

Sadly, when we were done, my parents, both dressed up, joined us, but only for coffee.

"We'll eat breakfast at home"

"Wait, we are leaving already?", I said, confused.

"Sorry, Kiddo", says my mom. "It's going to rain again today, and we have some stuff for work to get ready. We need to prepare things in a warehouse for a pickup tomorrow morning. A huge sale"

"Wait, so when you would work on Sunday afternoons, it was really for work, not for like, secret naturist activities behind my back?"

"Sorry. If a pickup is Monday morning, and it's not ready Friday, we need to work in the afternoon"

"I understand", I said.

Edith was silent, as if this wasn't her family.

"Are you ok that we are leaving Edith?" I asked her.

"I am cold, I had enough, and I didn't sleep that well", said Edith.

"Yeah, where did you guys sleep?", my father asked, but my mother hit him in the ribs.

"I know you said we should give her some autonomy, but we are also responsible for Edith", he replied.

"Lucy knows of a cabin that isn't locked, so we slept in it", I said.

"And it was fine? You are safe and all?", asked my mother.

"Of course, we are good friends, the three of us, and we know how to take care of ourselves."

But I didn't know, Edith, from the little I know, is of the freeze response type in a fight or flight situation, and Lucy, I just learned, was riddled with anxiety. That had not been a smart move. No one knew where we were, and our parents might have been scared shitless.

As it turns out, my parents thought I spent the night with Lucy's parents, and her parents thought she spent the night in our trailer.

This could have been a disaster, but it wasn't.

I did retrieve my notebook, however, with Mindy saying she was apologized for not spotting it earlier. She was still a panda, and it looked good. They took pictures and I got one, and it always makes me smile, well, when I can ignore how much in disaster the night ended. The next morning was epic, but the night?

We came home, and Edith was once again in a Lazy Sunday type, especially with my parents gone in the afternoon. She had helped remove the content of the trailer, which was in the afternoon left in the warehouse for the winter, without us.

Instead of watching me play video games, Edith wanted to sample all our board games, and I admit it, we had fun. We didn't finish all of them, but we played most. She didn't press me to undress, and I didn't do it on my own. I think I was still cold from the morning.

But we made plans, and on the next Monday, we executed those plans. We used to be a trio, and a fourth girl was slowly getting into our inner circle, it was time to bring her in more formally. I did call Mindy to coordinate the plan, and she approved, and even provided suggestions which we all agreed were good.

As usual since Edith returned to school, Marge came to eat at our secret place. She still remained oblivious to our lifestyle. Well, the one from my family and Mindy's family.

Like I said, I had warned Mindy, but Mindy and Marge don't get along that well together. Marge is... Special. I like her, but it was a gamble to tell her about our lifestyle.

"Marge, we like you, you know that?", I told her.

"Well, I like you too"

"Can you keep a secret?"

"I can, unless it's one I need to tell an adult."

I laugh.

"No, we didn't do anything wrong"

"Good. I am not good with breaking the rules", she said.

"Do you like taking a bath?", I ask her. This was part of what Edith and I rehearsed.

"I do! Just being in the hot water is soothing"

"Well, Mindy and I think so too. And our parents"

"I think everyone does", says Marge.

"When it's warm, do you get dressed after the bath?"

"Of course, we wear clothes outside the bath or the shower."

"We don't. Not at home"

"Oh. You don't get dressed after a bath? So when do you get dressed?"

"Well, when we are a home, we only get dressed when we feel like it, or when we have people over, or when we need to get out"

"That's weird. So what, you don't wear clothes in the evening?"

"And often, not the next morning either"

"Wait, but you have to put a pajama on to sleep"

"Why? Your sheets are like a pajama"

"Oh, that's true. Ok, so you eat breakfast without clothes?"

"Usually. Are you okay with that?". That was a suggestion from Mindy. Ask her if she was okay with it.

"Are your parents okay with that?", she says.

"They are. Usually, they also don't wear clothes"

"Oh, okay. So that's like, the rules in your house?"

I laugh.

"Yes."

"Thank you for telling me. I wanted to know if I could visit Edith at her home. Now, I know, you might not wear clothes after your bath"

"And you don't mind?"

"Do you?"

I laugh. "No, but it's not just after a bath. Mindy's family and my family are naturists. That means that we like not to wear clothing"

"Oh, my family isn't. We like to wear clothing. No, we have to wear clothing", she says, after realizing she was wrong.

"It's like that in most families"

"Can I wear clothing if I visit Edith?"

"If you'd like to. But you don't have to"

"Does Edith wear clothes at your home?"

"I usually do. But sometimes, I am topless", says Edith.

"Ok. Well, you follow the rules at her home. It makes sense."

"You don't mind?"

"I was told to respect the rules of other families, to not judge them for their rules"

"If you visit us, would you undress?"

"Is the rule that we need to undress?"

"No, that we can, but for Mindy, it's that you should undress, but you can make an exception, like Edith did"

"Oh, I am not supposed to ask for exceptions. I think. If I don't like a place, I have to leave"

"Make sense"

"Ok, so if I visit Mindy, I would undress, but not if I visit Edith"

"I will probably be nude"

"But that's ok, the rules in your house are that you can be nude. And I can, but won't be, like Edith won't be"

"And you don't mind?"

"You are my friends. I respect you"

We look at each other. We know that Marge is a little special, but that was far too easy.

But from what Edith told me, Marge can get a little confused if you tell her too much at once, but if you go patiently, she can be understanding.

"Would you like to come tonight to see Edith and me after school? You would take the bus with us"

"I would like that. My parents encourage me to see friends. I will call them from your house"

"And they are fine with that?"

"Only if I am safe. Will I be safe on the way to your house, and then, at your house?"

"I guarantee it. My parents usually work from home"

"Oh, good. I look forward to meeting them, even if they are nude"

Who is this girl? If you already know, and I feel it's super obvious, don't spoil it. But when I was 12, I had no idea what a friendship with Marge would be like.

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