In the car, my father has a nasty surprise for me. One I was forgetting. My first class, in about an hour, was in geometry. It was time, in the car, to take my first dose.

He had a bottle of water, and I swallowed the pill, unsure how it would turn out.

We still stopped at home. It was early enough for breakfast, but I had to eat in a hurry. I had no time to undress, and Edith was over the moon, telling me details about her date with Charlie.

It's not that I couldn't listen to her. It's more like I was nervous. I had my geometry class, and I had in my stomach a psychoactive drug. And yes, I knew the term. I did great on vocabulary, remember?

I ended up on the bus with Edith.

She whispered to me, mentioning how sorry she was to not be fully available for me, but I stopped her.

"Edith, you are with us so you can be your best self, not so you can help me"

I think it helped her.

When I came to the school, however, Mindy seemed to be in a high-speed retelling of her date with Billy, all the opposite of what Edith told us about her date. Which is almost nothing about the date itself.

This time, however, I could follow Mindy's monologue without issues, perhaps because I was in a better place. I knew what I had, and I had a plan, and the school was taking my condition seriously.

Right, I heard from Ellie yesterday, but the fact that two of my friends had dates made me skip that. In short, the school will allow me to do some exams with a third more time to complete them. It might mean missing some lunchtime or staying after school, but it should compensate for the time I need to take to color lines or apply blocking pieces of paper.

That was great news.

When I got to the class, the teacher saluted me. She usually doesn't. I think that this was a way to tell me that she knows of my condition.

The class was yet again on triangles. Now, today, I know why triangles are important. In part because you can easily divide any quadrilateral into two triangles, and because triangles follow trigonometric laws.

The teacher, however, clearly made efforts to speak at a slower pace now that she knows that I have a hard time following. I didn't need her to slow down even for the mathematical parts, but it was nice of her.

I feel like the rest of the class was also quieter, but perhaps it's all in my head. All I know is that I am not missing a single word from the teacher.

I recopy her diagrams. Today is about the volume of triangles with missing information. Honestly? I did all of that with Olivia, and this is easy. It's only one triangle at a time, and well, I can dig that.

In fact, when she asks for possible answers, instead of the same general apathy the teacher usually gets from the whole class, I end up raising my hand a few times. To my surprise, I even have it right each time.

The class seems to go on forever, and still, I don't feel exhausted from the class. Next is English, and for once, I feel like I'll be able to be fully present.

I do remember to talk to the math teacher after the class.

"Sorry, Ellie asked me to confirm with you that you had the news about my condition?"

"Of course, Julie. I had to ask questions, but it might be consistent with your grade. I am happy you managed to answer many questions. You seemed more focused than usual"

"Thank you. I have been trying to compensate"

I am soon on my way, and even the English teacher seemed to slow down for me. Mr. Cook, I don't need help in English! You can go faster. The class was also quieter. Even Tammy and Lynn, who usually talk to each other all class long at the back of the class, were whispering.

I was annoyed that Mr. Cook didn't take the poem we studied more seriously. He does tend to make jokes, but he is usually funny. Not today.

I have Olivia in my science class, and she is happy to see me, but I feel like we aren't connecting. I can't put my finger on it, but I think that she is worried that her cousin is coming home tonight. I know she thanked me for last night, and I think I thanked her, but that's about it. The class was starting anyway.

There was again a diagram to make, and my partner of the day, a boy whose name I forgot, was just too slow for me. I ended up doing it, taking my time, and concentrating on it, and I did well. It felt like the lines weren't dancing or something. It made sense.

I left the class to run to the secret spot, being the first to arrive.

I look at my lunch, and somehow, it doesn't look apetizing.

Marge is first, as her locker was closer. "Edith was right. I barely saw her yesterday"

"Right", I said.

But we mostly stayed silent until Mindy once again made us all dizzy retelling her evening with Billy, but this time, it felt like she was calmer.

I have a juice box, so I start with it. My mouth is so dry I can't imagine attacking my sandwich.

I feel my heart beating so fast I have a hard time sitting down.

Eventually, when Marge is starting her muffin, I grab my sandwich. I think Mindy commented on how I was slow to eat, but she went on to her date.

I had a hard time finishing my first half, but if my mouth wasn't as dry, maybe it would have been easier.

"Are you okay, Julie? You said nothing all lunch", says Mindy.

I look at her. "What do you mean?"

"Normally, you make jokes, you talk, but you are all quiet."

Somehow, I began crying. Both hug me. "I don't know. Maybe I am exhausted from the morning"

"Edith said you had a sleepover", says Marge.

"I did. Maybe I didn't sleep well"

I ended up not eating the second half of my sandwich and not touching my cookies for dessert or my apple.

Soon enough, it was back for the afternoon, and I could barely sit in place. I had to go twice to the bathroom, but to be honest, I mainly needed to drink water and then empty my bladder of that water.

Edith was happy to see me on the bus, but we barely spoke. We went to the kitchen table and worked on our homework.

When it was almost done, Edith spoke to me.

"Are you okay? Are you mad at me?" she asked.

"No. Why?"

"So you aren't giving me the silent treatment?"

"No. I guess I just had nothing to say"

We ended up playing some Wii U, but Animal Crossing wasn't hitting the spot. We switched to Mario Kart, and finally, I felt like I was stimulated.

I ended up eating with appetite, but the roast was drier than usual, so I also had to drink a lot of water. I think my mother commented, but I am not sure if I replied.

After supper, I read in my room, and it was my dad who came to see me.

"Julie?"

"Yes?"

"You know that Ritalin has side effects, right?"

"So?"

"Well, social withdrawal is one of them."

"I just needed to read"

"Julie?"

"Yes?"

"It's fine. But be careful. Try to remain aware of their effect. You have the side effect sheet on your desk"

He finally leaves me to my reading, but my mind is on Olivia. Is her cousin a good person? Will she sleep?

I did get a story, but I had trouble following it. My thoughts were on Olivia, and even during the night, it kept me up. I hope she was okay.

I barely slept, and breakfast felt superfluous. I just took a toast a big glass of orange juice to swallow my ritalin.

All morning, teachers kept up their new habit of speaking slower. The classes were quieter, but it still gave me a splitting headache.

When Olivia wanted to tell me about her night, I had to apologize and go take a Tylenol from Ellie. She is the school secretary, after all.

When I finally made it to our secret spot, even Edith had made it, but Marge had to eventually stir me up. I was falling asleep on my lunch box.

"Sorry girls, I am not feeling like myself. I think I didn't sleep well"

All afternoon was a chore. I had to struggle to keep my eyes open.

Still, I make it back home, but I rush to my bedroom. I don't feel so good. Sitting on the bed. I look around. I spot the list of side effects from the Ritalin. Previously, I had read it. Well, I think I had read it, but I can't even remember one from the list.

I open the little folded paper that came with the box. It's in tiny, printed waves of grey text that look designed to make people give up. The paper screams, "just recycle me". It's not even real paper. It's, like, so thin you can almost see the other side of the paper.

But I don't give up. Not now.

"May cause emotional numbness or flat affect." I blink. That's what happened yesterday in English class. Mr. Cook made a joke about Shakespeare writing fanfiction for ancient kings. Usually I'd at least smirk. Nothing. I didn't even flinch. It's like I was watching it from across the room. I didn't find it funny, not that it is. But it's at least dad-joke funny. Designed to make you smile and take your mind off the stress.

"Social withdrawal." That's lunch. That's Edith asking if I was mad at her. And that's Olivia not connecting with me. I just left for a Tylenol when she was trying to speak to me. That's me giving nothing back because I had nothing inside. I wasn't angry. I wasn't sad. No, I was just, well, turned off.

"Loss of appetite." The sandwich. The cookies. The apple. Mindy noticed. I didn't care. I just wasn't hungry, like eating was a chore someone else assigned me. But I did make up for it, eating like a savage in the evening. I think my father told me the effect of the pill lasted roughly 4 hours. Enough to ruin lunch, but not enough for supper.

"Dry mouth." Juice box first. Water, more water, then another glass. I couldn't swallow my sandwich until I drank something. It's like my mouth turned into sandpaper. Even now, I feel like it's always dry.

"Increased urination." Two trips to the bathroom yesterday in the afternoon, not even thirty minutes apart. Five today, two in the same class. And not because I had to pee. It's because I had to drink. Constantly.

"Difficulty sleeping." The first night, I thought it was Olivia on my mind. But I also kept replaying geometry and English in my head, as if my thoughts were stuck in high gear. I barely slept. And today, I paid for it. I could barely follow in class.

"Fatigue, drowsiness after initial dose." Falling asleep on my lunchbox. Marge had to nudge me. I told them I didn't sleep well, but maybe it wasn't that simple.

"Headache." Full on, even the Tylenol didn't help.

"Mood swings or tearfulness." Mindy asked if I was okay, and I cried. Out of nowhere. I am not like that, usually.

"Difficulty recognizing one's own emotions." I stare at that one for a moment. That's the scariest one. Because it's true. I wasn't sad, but I wasn't happy either. I didn't know what I felt.

I decided I couldn't handle this on my own. I left my room, went past Edith at the kitchen table, and went downstairs.

"Are you okay, Sugar?", asked my dad. And like that, the floodgates opened. I was crying my heart out, and both my parents and soon, Edith, were hugging me, listening to me. I guess my sister heard me from upstairs.

When I calmed down, we talked. Edith was surprisingly understanding. No, wait. She wasn't. She was predictably understanding, but in my current state of mind, I believed no one would accept me. She did. My parents too, but they were always there for me.

My dad called the pharmacy, and we were reassured that this was just my body trying to adapt to the medication. That over time, the side effects would fade, and that if they didn't, I could change to another medication.

It reassured me.

I also learned that the impression that the world was now slower is from the pill. It's like it's making me so fast in my mind that the world is slowing down. Odd.

I ate with appetite and even managed to interact with Edith under the worried eyes of my parents.

Apparently, the dose had faded by now, and the side effects from the first night were already less present.

I even joked a little with them.

I wouldn't say that I sleep well, but I slept better. I had a clearer mind.

In the morning, I wondered. I take a pill in the evening to become a woman and a pill in the morning to be a student. I would eventually be a woman and not need my contraceptive anymore. Well, unless I just don't want to become pregnant from my boyfriend, but I am so far from getting one.

My question is, would I need my morning pill all of my life? I wanted to become an environmental engineer. I didn't know exactly what one does. It certainly would need plenty of maps and drawings. Would I need Ritalin then too?

I had English in the first class, and Mr. Cook also made jokes. I was more conscious of them, and I think I even laughed at one of them, but it's not like I used to. This was my favorite class, in big part thanks to Mr. Cook, but now, I just went along.

Science was next, and I managed to corner Olivia before it started.

"Sorry about yesterday. I am on Ritalin, and I am not used to the side effects yet"

She ended up hugging me. I don't know how I feel about that. She did forgive me and told me her parents were back. She did propose a tutoring session to see how it progressed, but I got the feeling that she wanted to see me. Why? No idea. She was friendly with me, but I feel too numb to really understand. Less than yesterday, and the headache began after the science class, just in time for gym class.

I did have Advil with me, from my parents, but it would only take effect in time for lunch.

Now, I only realized what I did while running in the gym. Before naturism returned to my life, I was changing in the corner of the room, hiding. Then, after naturism came back, I kept doing it. Because, well, I didn't want people to know, you know?

But that morning, I didn't care, and somehow, it was freeing. In a way. I didn't mind that I showed my pre-pubescent body to my classmates. They weren't there to look at me. I wasn't there to be seen. I just needed to change, same as them.

It's not like I was fully nude. I kept the same panties, but unlike most of them, I don't have a bra. That morning, I didn't care. It's like it wasn't my body or something.

I somehow feel like gym went better. After some running, we played with dodgeballs, but not really at dodgeball. It's more like the prop we used. The game was simple. We were put in pairs and needed to cross back and forth in the gym. We couldn't move if we held the ball, and if it was dropped at any point, we had to go back to the start. Once we made it to the end, we had to go back.

We could give the ball to each other, but it was faster to throw it. We could pick the distance, but the longer it was, the faster it went, even if the risk increased.

Some of the guys went across the gym in two shots. Most of the girls did it in 5 or 6. Olivia and me, decided to try in 3. She threw it first, and somehow, it was slow enough that I managed to catch it. She began running as soon as she threw it so that when I turned around, she was almost at her new place. I threw it, and she caught it. Wonderful!

I ran to the end of the gym and almost dropped it, but I caught it against my leg after it bounced on the wall. That was a legal move, as only the floor was out of bounds.

Olivia didn't move, so I threw it back to her. She also almost dropped it, but saved it as I was running back to my first catch position. Olivia was winded running back to the start but still caught it with her feet touching the line.

We finished 5th, but more importantly, we were the first all-girl team to finish.

Olivia hugged me in joy, and I hugged her back. It was time that we did something right in gym. Had I been the problem all along?

We stayed after the class a little.

"My cousin was ok. He is much older"

"He wasn't at the funeral?"

"He's from the other side. It's in my father's aunt that died. He's my mother's nephew"

"Ah, I see"

"You don't have to come to my house if you don't want to", says Olivia, nervous.

"I think I do. I am just numb from the pill."

"Right. I guess I shouldn't judge your body language then"

"What body language?"

"I don't know, you feel closed off. Cold. Not like you"

I actually burst out in tears. Olivia was there for me, but it wasn't as bad as the previous lunch. I have to watch out, it seems to take me when I am emotional about 4 hours after taking the pill.

We changed in the dressing room, and I know it didn't matter. We were alone, and Olivia saw me nude at her house. I still played the shy girl routine, if only to get back to what I was doing before the pill.

I met my friends, who were worried about me. After I filled them in on the side effects, on my crying in the gym, they hugged me. Edith knew some of it but had kept my privacy in my absence. I made a note to remember how much I could trust her.

Charlie was coming to our house in the afternoon, and Edith apologized if she wasn't available for me, but I explained I was going to see Olivia for some tutoring anyway.

I ate my lunch with appetite and even took half of the muffin that Marge was unable to finish. The afternoon went well with fewer trips to the restroom. I still managed to focus on geometry, even if I was far away from the pill.

After school, my father dropped me at Olivia's house, again with a $20 bill, and I sort of felt guilty for wanting to see my friend and costing my father money.

And yet, I was relieved to feel that guilt. I wasn't completely emotionally numb.

Olivia was shocked at how much better I was with her complex problems. I still needed my crutches, the markers, and the blocking paper, but I was now efficient at it, and the pill helped a lot.

Her mother hovered a lot around us, and she stank of alcohol. I didn't like that. At all, but it didn't bother me as much as I thought it would.

I went home to a hot meal, shared with Charlie. My parents and I had undressed, but Charlie and even Edith stayed fully dressed. I didn't mind. He was nice.

I only had one more day of school until the weekend, and the conversation ran over whether I wanted a break from the pill. That's one thing the pharmacist mentioned. I could take the weekend off the pill.

The normal long-term side effects would vanish during the pause, at the risk of a strong effect on Monday and perhaps even on Tuesday.

I didn't know what to do, and this was only Thursday.

My parents decided to organize something special at the warehouse for Friday and wanted my friends to all come. Well, not counting Olivia.

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